By Saying Something Controversial
Nothing gets people worked up like a bit of controversy. Hit people where it hurts and they will hit back at you HARD. The harder you hit, the bigger the backlash. Say something about their church, their wives, their ugly profile picture- something, anything. It works. Ask Maneta. She’ll tell ya.
Examples: Zimbos who are good at this: Larry Kwirirayi, Tonderai Chiyindiko and Petina Gappah.
The Pretty Ones Post Lots of Pics of Their Faces
We’ve all seen it- the pretty girl who knows she’s the ish and always posts pictures of herself on Facebook- a little more frequently than us normal people. Then the comments come. “Makanaka asikana (You are beautiful girl [loses a lot of it’s meaning in translation])”, or “Eeee, inga you are pretty these days, what are you eating?” And the pretty girl ‘likes’ all the comments and responds with, “Shuwa here (are you sure) ?” or “Thanks Auntie, you are not looking too bad yourself.” and then sits there waiting for more people to tell her that she’s beautiful. I’m not complaining. I love to look.
Examples: Vanessa Sibanda, Rumbi Feremenga.
Posting Pictures With Lots of Skin
This one works for women, but if you’re a guy you’re welcome to try it and give us feedback. Men LOVE pictures that show female skin, as if that’s anything to write home about. It is one sure way to get attention- positive and negative. Most of the negative comments will come from other women who think they are not as hot as you and who will pretend to be shocked on ‘moral grounds’. Ok, sometimes it is a bit shocking, even to liberals like me, just how much flesh people are willing to expose.
BUT, having said that, trust me, if the haters were as sexy as you, they would post pictures that showed all that skin too ;-). But no worries, the positive comments will FAR outnumber the negative ones-AND the negative ones will get all the men to feel sorry for you which equals more attention and more comments.
Examples: One Zimbo who has made this into an art form is one Lyn Gona. Remember Scope magazine guys? Going through her Facebook albums is like flipping through the pages of Scope. Lungile Mathe also stunned all and sundry when she posted the femme fatale picture in the Jam Central Gallery linked to here. Needless to say she got TONNES of comments. Use this one only if you are prepared to see your pics on the front page of H-Metro.
Leveraging off their Fame
If you’re famous it doesn’t matter if you post absolute junk, people will still ‘like’ it and comment. I have seen some public personalities post commas and get responses like, “awesome!” or “I love that comma!” For some strange reason, human beings love being associated with famous people.
You should have seen Zimbos going crazy for Wendall, Munya and Roki when they came out of the Big Brother House in their respective seasons. I was at all their welcome back parties and to see girls throw themselves like that at a man who is not you is a truly humbling experience. The same happens on Facebook. If you got the fame- use it.
Examples: Winky D (Check his FB page. If he posts ‘Ninja’ he gets 500 comments), Shingisai Suluma (If she posts ‘Alleluia’ the page fills up with comments and testimonies from people talking about how God has been good to them) and Hazvinei Sakarombe (She says ‘Chilli’ and Facebook goes all belly-up silly).
Steal Other People’s Stuff
Three words: Copy and paste. This is a winner for those of us who have no social talent at all. Zimbos love this one and use it ALL the time. It’s simple. Study other people who get lots of comments on their walls and simply copy status updates, photos, etc. that get the most comments and post them on your wall.
Examples: Zimbos who are good at this: Like the whole country dude.
Mastering Universal Comments
When people post stuff on your wall you need to comment and ‘like’ it to encourage them to post more. It’s a simple rule. Trouble is, as I have alluded to before, most of us get stuck when trying to think of comments. Enter the magic of the Universal Comment. This is a comment that will work on ANY post and you can quite liberally post it anywhere without worrying that it will be out of place. Examples are: LOL, KNK, OMG and WTF. These work because they all imply some sort of strong reaction and people are moved by strong reactions.
Examples: Zimbos who are good at this include Carl Joshua Ncube (He invented a lot of them) and Edgar Langeveldt.
Human beings, as we have seen in the previous post, are fickle. If you comment on someone’s wall or ‘like’ something there, chances are they will reciprocate. Taking this to a guerrilla level entails multiplying this activity by a hundred or even a thousand. Go all out. Make every day a like-a-thon and comment on things as if you have verbal diarrhoea coursing through your veins from your tongue down to your fingers. Don’t read- it will waste your time. Just like, like, like. Feedback will come.
Examples: Fungai Chiposi and Farai whats-her-name have made this into an art - without the verbal diarrhoea part - for promoting their groups , events and pages.