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Are you, like many Zimbos, watching in horror as Christmas approaches while your finances show no sign of readiness for the festivities? You have been scratching your head in vain wondering ever so desperately, how you are going to make it. The kids will want AT LEAST one meal of RICE and CHICKEN with a FANTA paside but all you have in the house is upfu and veges from the garden. You’ve thought diabolically of telling them that you’re all going vegetarian as it is healthier that way, but you didn’t have the heart to look them in their sweet little faces and tell them such a blatant lie. You know the deal. It’s Zimbabwe, so you’ve tried to make a plan- and another- and another. And another. But it’s still looking very BLEAK, this Christmas thingie that’s just around the corner... So what to do? How do you celebrate Christmas when you don’t have a cent to your name? We have a few ideas you can try out… Presents?
What presents? If you’re worried about disappointing people by not buying them presents let me ask you a question: What country are you living in? Believe me when I say that NOBODY is expecting a present from you this year. If you buy a present people will just think you’re a show off. Things are tough. Everyone understands that. Food!
Draw up a list of all your well-to-do relatives and pay one of them a visit on Christmas day. They will be MAD. They will curse behind your back. They will scream bloody murder when you’re out of ear shot, but rest assured- they are Zimbabweans meaning they will be too polite to send you off. It may be an awkward day but you and your family will get FED (Rice, chicken, and maybe some macaroni too- imported from Dubai!!!! Yippee!!!) AND your kids will get to play with some expensive toys!!! Transport!
If you don’t have enough money for the family’s commuter trip to rich uncle Themba’s house in Glen Lorne, give whatever money you have to the youngest child you have then when it’s time to pay, tell the hwindi kuti the money is with your kid in the back. Your child will pull out the money they have and the hwindi will start complaining that it’s not enough. Ask your kid kuti where did they put all the money you gave them. “Warasa futi?!!! Hona manje takuzo fambiswa zvakare!!!” It’s psychology 101. Scream at child. Child cries. Hwindi and other commuters feel sorry for kid. You get fee ride. It will be painful for the family love- but your child will forgive you when they are holding that big drumstick at Uncle Themba’s house. More Food!
Repeat steps 1 and 2 for every day of the holidays (REMEMBER PLEASE not to use the kid-with-the-money trick in the same kombi TWICE). Relatives!
To prevent your relatives pulling the Uncle Themba trick on YOU tell them that you are travelling with the whole family and won’t be around for the holidays. Party!
If you’re single it’s even EASIER to get fed during the holidays. You don’t even need to find a relative- ANY PARTY WILL DO. Here’s the modus operandi. Listen out for loud music in the neighbourhood. This may entail walking around a bit. Then walk up to the house and tell whoever is at the gate that you were sent to talk to the owner of the house with a complaint about the noise. Be very serious when you say this. Maintain eye contact with the person you are talking to- no glancing at the beautiful girl in the background who is dancing her head off and showing too much skin. Maintain your composure too. No drooling at the aroma of braaied meat wafting deliciously through the air. You can do ALL that once you’re in. Festivities!
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY. Once you’re in the party AND BEFORE YOU GET DRUNK, you need to do a bit of networking. Remember at every Christmas party there is someone who has an invite to ANOTHER party. Your job is to get invited to as many OTHER parties as possible. Then you can get drunk. You’re all set for festive season. One party leads to many more! By the time you get to new year’s you’ll be turning down parties left, right, nepakati. Church!
If you’re not the party type, fine, go to church. There is always great music this time of the year, some entertainment and great spiritual upliftment- just don’t expect any food though.  Uncle Themba may not be happy to see you,
but believe me, he will have more than enough food to go round...
Gratitude!
If all else fails- stay at home and have your sadza and green veges. While you eat, be GRATEFUL that you have made it alive through another year in Zimbabwe. Many others DIDN’T. You have survived water cuts, power cuts, talks, two elections AND cholera on top of that. You are one TOUGH cookie. Praise God. Merry Christmas!!! May 2009 be kinder on your pocket so that you don’t have to bother Uncle Themba again…
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Iwe! Ndini Uncle Themba wacho! Don't you dare come to my house or I will
Hey ,i've made a list of all my relatives and I have no rich
So all roads led to the dales 
