“Call me a salad,” Fungai Machirori dares us.

On a recent visit to my grandmother’s rural home, I remarked to my uncle how sad it is that when I have children of my own, all of their grandparents will be city-dwelling creatures who won’t boast scenic views of misted mountain ranges, free-roaming cattle and grass-thatched rondawels.

^ Fungai says that while she respects the ways rural communities carry out their lives she just isn't the type for cooking on a fire, killing chickens and fetching water from the well.

“Ah, but you can’t be sure of that yet,” he quipped. “You could get married to a man whose parents live in the rural areas and who loves to go and see them often.”

I am not too sure whether the grimace I felt growing within, after that statement was made, actually seeped through my flesh and crept all the way up to my face. Marry a man whose parents live where and who loves to do what?!

Now, I know those types well – the urban dwellers whose lungs can’t take the smell of diesel and industrialisation for any protracted amount of time, and who must therefore drive off to the ‘roots’ (that’s Zimbabwean slang for one’s rural home) at any opportunity. Public holidays,

Christmas, Easter, annual leave – name the calendar dates and these men are on their merry way.

I have absolutely no problem with this whatsoever. Showing love and appreciation for where you come from is a sign of humility and respect. So bravo to all of those who have embraced their heritage.

But please don’t expect me to be the first to be kitted out in faithful pursuit at the suggestion of each and every road trip to see my in-laws and their string of relatives.

Let‘s go through the reasons why.

It isn’t just rural folk who want to see what mettle a muroora (daughter-in-law) is made of. But they make the greatest demands on you to find out whether you really were worth all those cows given away as your bride price.

They want to know if you can cook, clean and do every other wifely task they know of from their own mental handbooks.

And note, cooking here is not for some previously planned dinner party of eight guests who all get place names. In this instance, it’s more like cooking for the whole village – aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, brothers of aunts of great uncles and any other relation you can think of!

Oh, and I neglect to mention that this is cooking by fire.

In a drum.

With a big old log for you to stir the sadza around with as it gurgles and threatens to erupt all over your face.

I laugh at the thought of my even attempting such feats of heroism.

Ah, and then there’s the small matter of plucking feathers from newly deceased chickens which, in their final moments, you watched coursing about the yard headless and bloody.

I have to pass on that one too because I have real issues with cooking or eating something that I have seen living.

Call me crazy, but I grow attached to livestock. I watch and learn their different characters and even give them names and nationalities. In fact, in just this last visit to my grandmother I reincarnated one of her hens as a moody painter called Pierrick cocking his head to and fro (in the previous life the hen was male!) and fixing his eyes on angular shapes and edgy colours.

So don’t think for one moment that I could ever partake of the cooking and eating of Pierrick and others of his kith and kin.

Fetching water from a well kilometres away and then balancing a full bucket over my head? And actually walking with it?

Pass again.

But my personal favourite is getting all of this done before the first cock crows and with the whispers behind my aching back about when exactly it is that I will show my fertility by falling pregnant.

^ Women going to fetch water in the rural areas, Manicaland Zimbabwe. Not for me, I'm afraid avers Fungai.

Did I just chuckle out loud? I am not so sure because no one else is in the room. The chuckle, whether audible or otherwise, is induced by the fact that I am involved in a well-documented unshakeable romance with my pillows. So much so is sleep the glory of my life that I have since forfeited the spectacle of picturesque sunrises for it.

I will forfeit a whole lot more, even at the risk of being called a salad. In Zimbabwe, people who are considered to be ‘raw’ in a cultural sense, are derisively referred to as salads – no particular type of salad, just anything that’s made up of raw ingredients.

Oh, and who really understands the idea of getting married and enjoying your spouse’s company for a few years before birthing a brood of noisy rugrats? Just you wait more than a year and listen as everyone speculates that you are barren and that you need that special healing that the pastor who lives on a distant mountain top gives.

I am in no way making light of rural life. Rural communities have their own systems, proud rituals and traditions. And these are what keep them functional.

But I am at an age where I can be honest with myself. I will never be a size 10. I will not be a fashion designer when I grow up. And I will not be the typical traditional wife.

My way of life is a fusion of things – an acculturation of different ways and beliefs about how I feel that I can most benefit the various structures within society, including family.

I am not a traditional chick. I am not a domestic goddess. I can be competent at house work, but nothing more. And whoever I marry, if I marry, has to understand that.

So no eyes gawking at me and vetting my competencies, thank you! The rustic life wasn’t made for some.

And for this narration of my reservations, call me a salad if you want. In fact, call me a Waldorf salad. At least I can munch away at bits of apples and nuts while you chew over my audacity.

Bon appetite!

- Fungai Machirori for The Zimbo Jam

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Salome  - Hahaha!   |2010-07-22 01:45:19 Thanks girl for finding the note of comfort in this judgemental system we live in. I grew up being told I was lazy because I would not wake up at 3am to go fetch water before school. It would be such a loss to Zimbabwean literature to lose such a brilliant mind as yours to water carrying and endless-log-fire-drum-cooking at the 'roots'. I so feel you! Reply 5   0

Married Man   |2010-07-22 02:23:47 Vakomana muripatight. Lucky hedu takaroora kudhara. Reply 2   1

BaTJ   |2010-07-26 03:47:24 Hapana tyt Married Man, we have 53% women in zim, that's more than man. I just dnt marry a women who says hogwash like this, and ther are so many beautiful smart and industrious women out ther to marry. These ones ndivo vanoswera vachikwirwa nemagarden boy because they have nothing to do with their lousy lives. Idle minds..., what we usually do with this type of woman is just give her a child and live her to work for the upbringing unfortunately as for me I do not have seeds to waste with this type of women lest I dilute my generation Reply 2   0

Dr Shang   |2010-07-26 04:49:46 Fungai wanyora hako asi chokwadi ndechekuti ZESA and ZINWA (or Harare Water) yatiita kuti tese tirarame hupenyu hwekumusha mutaundi. An otherwise ruralisation of the urbanite. I know chicks from my hood who go wood and water ferrying every week and have to cook with wood and gallon water everyday. what r u talking about? Reply 2   0

Chenai  - Choice   |2010-07-27 02:05:00 I am not sure how you get to assume that the writer is lazy just because she expresses aversion to certain things. Many of you man, love the rural life (especially city man) because you do nothing when you are there but sit and wait to be served. So when a woman says I have chosen different and I actually can do that, that scares you!. It is true that rural life is tough for all but it is really terrible for women!. If you continue to want women in Zim to be stuck in this drudgery our development as a nation is stuck in the 20th century. Besides what lazy person can write as beautifully and as often as Fungai does. Would be nice to see what you can produce to the contrary and make your cases without calling other people's opionion names. Reply 0   0

Proudly African  - sad   |2010-07-27 02:15:39 i like that you started your note saying how sad it is that your children will never know rural dwelling kinfolk blah blah for a moment there i thought you had a brain in you, i was keen to know what intelligent point of view you have but oh no! this is beyond sad, hauzi musalad you are jus shallow! for the most of the time it's your paranoia not all rural folk want to work a muroora to the bone but hey if u come with an attitude like yours they'll do it jus coz they can! i reckon your level of exposure is well in the region on harare and at most wide travelling you have been to Vumba ah what the hell yu've probably been to Botswana and the world over but you have no sense of identity whatsoever...i really hope this was a joke otherwise i'm really sad for your smogged excuse of intel Reply 0   0

Vimbai  - Dreams   |2010-07-27 07:30:53 May I remind all the man that are complaining and labelling people in here that just because women do it with no complaint in the rural areas does not mean its great! Broaden their horizon and give them a choice and few will continue living as they do. I can understand why you want to pretend that the drudgery as, Chenai puts it, is perfect. Believing otherwise would actually mean you doing something about the women's lot. Reply 0   0

UnbelievableYouLot  - So to be an African means to be poor? Yikes!   |2010-07-29 00:10:12 Good Lord! No wonder Zimbabwe is *%&ed! You are telling me that the kind of poverty we have in the rural areas is a key part of our identity, and that a woman who says I would rather not live that life has lost her African identity! Ha ha ha! So to have an African identity essentially means to have no access to electricity, and to work long hours, and to fill the lungs with carcinogens from smoke. !!! Enjoy your African identity folks! And long live Zimbabwe! Reply 0   0

proudly african  - sadder   |2010-07-29 02:52:19 either u r making a choice to b dumb or u actaully are! Poverty is not the definition of identity the article writer demeans everything afro in the name of husalad. many people choose not to have that life but still appreciate the role that life plays in identity. there's nothing worse on this earth than munhu asina an appreciation for identity. it's these same loudmouths who go on abt bein masalad and have nothing to show for all their futile vanity because hauzive zvauri. unoswera uchipa huku mazita.... musanyeperane zvimwe zvinhu hazvivhaidze vhurai pfungwa and wise up mhani. masalad my foot! Reply 0   0

Vimbai  - I think you choose to be sad   |2010-07-29 03:12:07 You choose to pick on naming animals as the only think you can find to support your so called identity claim. If so many of us were not squirmish we would be doctors. Nothing wrong with admitting that and does not demean anyone. Those who want to kill animals can go ahead and do so. Getting water from 5km away if not more, kunotsvaga huni kms away for fires, endless cooking and other burdens placed on women in rural areas is not identity at all. Its stuff that needs to be changed. Reply 0   0

African and proud  - choice to be   |2010-07-29 05:32:38 awww we name the chickens we fetch water we fetch firewod (the hell lets name the trees too for those who r squirmy abt cutting dwn trees)the "burdens" are a way of life if we can change it, lets, bt also note there actually are some women who prefer that life so sue them and write to the pope abt it! i sure do hope you are all in zim or if you travel u only associate wt fellow zimbos coz if we let this mindset get out pane problem it reflects ummm hw shall i put it lack of identity nah lets say shallowness yep thats it! Reply 0   0

Vimbai  - ADD   |2010-07-29 08:39:41 First: Don't defend misery in the name of identity. There is a reason women are not forced to wear corsets anymore and everyone is not going around on horses. Second: You cannot call a situation where women have no choice a preference Third: Wanting to keep a large part of the population in drudgery under the guise of identity is shallow. Fourth: Do not hide behind waiting to change things when what you actually want is to mantain the status quo. Starting a debate about issues is deeply progressive and does not reflect shallowness. Reply 0   0

African and proud still  - Choices   |2010-07-29 09:07:01 1.what is the reason women are NOT forced to do all the things u mention? misery in the name of identity mmmm i presume u thnk if a person does nt have A, B or C they r miserable (spot the blonde "OMG U R NT ON LIKE TWITTER, YU MUST B LIKE BORED TO DEATH") 2. you always have a choice, u may not like your choices but you always have a choice! 3.noone is being "kept" in drudgery (for the record i work with these rural women everyday in a counselling and aid capacity) 4. i didn't realise you had not actually read the article to begin with or else this debate would be a bit more progressive rather than entertaining. Thanks Fungai for the piece Reply 1   0

Vimbai  - shame   |2010-07-30 08:56:21 Most of these women would not need aid if there were given choices, were less confined and had more time. Its simply a case for enhancing people's lifestyle and not a cultural question. The two are separate but equally dynamic. We all make the mistake of wanting mantain and not change or progress because it is easier. Reply 0   0

Fungai Machirori   |2010-08-01 09:45:10 I couldn't help but laugh at some of the comments - really funny and sadly VERY small minded. This is why Zimbabwe is so full of fake conservative people, the 'quiet saintly' girl in your high school class who gets pregnant before O Levels, the woman who claims that things are fine kumab when her husband is beating her up every night. It's beacuse men like the ones posting here don't allow us to express ourselves and have an individual identity. I am not the next woman and I like certain things which you would never accept because of your patriarchal and narrow outlook on life. And this thing of branding us all as one species because of our anatomy doesn't work. Call me what you like but I'm not changing my stance - in fact, I think it;s high time you changed yours and just let us be!!! Reply 0   0

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