So I missed out on another money making opportunity. I always catch wind of these things after they are no longer profitable because everyone else has heard about them and is trying to jump in on the action.
First, it was the money pyramids back in the 1990s. I signed up late and realised that I was going to lose all my money when a headline in the Herald announced that the government was clamping down on Pyramids. I prayed hard that the people who were part of the scheme would not see the damn story and just deposit my dues, but I was the sucker. Lost all my money.
I won’t even tell you about the other schemes, cause you would start doubting my wisdom.
But this latest one, where the Grain Marketing Board buys maize for US$390 per tonne and sells it at a counter-whopping US$250 per tonne, has me kicking myself. It’s everywhere now, and I have an uncle who works for the damn GMB who didn’t let me in on the action. I’m paying him a visit this weekend to scream at him for not letting me benefit from this before it was a national scandal.
Social commentator, Lenin Ndebele had me laughing – and crying – with his comment: “GMB buys maize at $390 per tonne but sell it at $250 per tonne. Go there and buy a tonne to sell back to them then gain $140. Or better still, tell them you want to buy and sell back, they will pay you $140 to save time and resources. Get your hustle on player!”
I should have so done that.
I’m not writing anything about Triggers.
Blabber mouth.
I can’t remember anything about the Carnival except the naked women that were its supposed highlights. I am a big supporter of initiatives to increase tourism and grow the economy, but there are some things that make me scratch my head.
The carnival, each time it’s held, creates an anxiety-induced throbbing at the back of my head. This year, I scratched that part so much that I have a little patch of balding happening there. Now I am scratching it, even more, to wonder who I sue for the anxiety.
You see, there are damn carnivals all over the world. Carnivals in Jamaica. Carnivals in Asia. Carnivals in the USA and many of them generate millions of dollars in revenue, but they also represent something; ideas and themes about culture, people, community.
When I go to the Carnival in Rio I don’t want to see the same thing as I am seeing at the Notting Hill Carnival or here in Harare. Show me Nehanda. Tell me stories about my country that I did not know. Create awe-inspiring performances that will make Zimbos and foreigners alike want to come out and be a part of this event. Recreate the magic of the Bhundu boys, Lovemore Majaivana. Create floats that remind us about the little things we cherish as Zimbabweans.
I don’t want to see Samba girls (Ok, I do, I do, I do – but you know what I mean). Show me a Zimbabwean idea of nudity if you want to show me nudity. Make it indigenous nudity, not an imported version. I mean, how hard it is it to create our own nakedness that we have to bloody pay someone to come and do it here!?
I blame the Chinese. They spoilt us by providing everything. Now we can’t produce anything in this place. We have to import it; even when we want women without underwear – we look elsewhere. This is the juncture known as being totally effed.
Yes, there were other floats as part of the carnival, but which one of them was headline worthy? Which one of them was awe-inspiring. That’s all I’m asking for. Let’s start with one thing. A theme, an idea so Zimbabwean that it grabs us all by the heart and soul – not the balls.
I am not saying anything about Triggers.
Sell out.
Have you heard of the Forces of the Liberation Organisation of African National Party? Wait till you see its acronym – FLOANP. It’s led by one Egypt Dzinemunhenzva. Nuff respect comrade for going out there against Gushungo, but one word of advice to you. Branding. No further comments.
Meanwhile, another political party is launching in Harare today, September 20. They call themselves Kambizi Party. The leader? Mr Kambizi. One word of advice Mr Kambizi. Branding.
Trigger what?
Mutengesi.
So David Coltart went to do his biometric voter registration yesterday. There was one little problem – the machine wouldn’t recognise his fingerprints so it took him TWO HOURS – and in the end only five fingers were recognised. I am tempted to laugh and say something about racist BVR machines, but I’ll just be calm here and start quietly suspecting that the machines are rigged to recognise members of the opposition and all sell outs. It has to be that, right?
Hey Trigger, why don’t you go and get your BVR done? Let’s see how many days you spend there…
